Attunement

Have you ever heard a therapist talk about “attuning?” Sounds like another one of those fancy words that only therapists use. What does it mean to attune to someone? And why do we talk about it and care about it so much? 

The best way that I can describe what therapists mean when they use the word “attune” is this: Have you ever spent time one on one with someone you care about in a public place? Have you noticed that, especially when the conversation is good or when that person is sharing something deeply personal, you forget that you’re in a public place? It’s just you and that person. It’s all about the conversation you’re having and the connection you’re making. In this sense, being attuned to someone is a strong relationally based focus that creates a bond between you and that person while you’re interacting. Not only are you tracking with this person’s words, you’re also following his or her inflections, emotions, and non-verbals. If he or she is telling you something that is connected to a lot of emotion, you’re feeling what that person is feeling. You’re attuned.

You can probably guess why attuning is an important thing for therapists. It’s one of the ways we can connect to the people we meet in our offices. It’s one of the tools we use to hear and understand the people we meet and to get a good sense of their lives, stories, and emotions. Because empathy is an important part of the therapeutic process, a therapist has to be attuned to the person in front of him or her. 

When someone is attuned to you, you can feel it. Inversely, when someone is not attuned to you, you can probably start to feel yourself shut down. Attunement leads to deeper connection, more profound safety in a relationship, and it helps us to really feel known.