An Excuse vs. A Reason

Some of the work of therapy is trying to answer the big question “why.” Why do I have such a strong response when someone gets mad at me? Why is it hard for me to commit to a relationship? Why do I care so much about what others think of me? 

In the search for the answer to the question “why”, therapist and patient look back to childhood experiences most often within family of origin dynamics. One of the reasons it’s important to examine these early dynamics is because they have a profound way of shaping an individual for the rest of life. Our young minds are quite pliable in childhood, and experiences - especially the emotionally intense experiences - leave a lasting mark on us and shape the way we interact with the world. 

Think of it this way: When you pour concrete, it takes some time to dry. While it’s still drying, it can still be molded and shaped in various ways. But once it’s dry, that’s it. Whatever impressions were left in the concrete are there for life. That’s one reason it’s so tempting to stick your hand in wet concrete. You know the impression of your hand will be there for as long as the concrete is!

The same can be true for young psyches. 

Still, people struggle through this process of looking back to childhood and parental interactions to pinpoint some reasons for current feelings and behaviors. One pushback I often hear from clients is that they don’t want to make “excuses” for themselves. They feel that if they look back to childhood and find information that explains how they are experiencing emotions today, then they are effectively just passing blame to their parents and no longer have to take responsibility for their challenges in life. 

This is often when I will explain to patients that there is a difference between a reason and an excuse. Just because we spend time looking for reasons to explain troubling emotions and behaviors does not mean we’re making excuses for them. This subtle difference is an important one. It’s crucial to identify reasons that explain why we feel the way we do. It’s an important part of therapy and an important part of healing and growth. It must take place! But if you or I shun the process of exploration for fear that we will only use it to excuse our troubling emotions or behaviors, then we will lose out on an important part of growth. 

Just because we search for and find reasons does not mean we are trying to find excuses.