You Complete Me

Over the years, I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with the couples I see. So often, some of the character traits that initially drew two people together have become the same traits that bother them so much. 

A couple may come in to meet with me, and they begin by telling me what’s been bothering them lately. A husband may say, “She is always late! I can never seem to get her to care about being on time or taking care of her responsibilities! I end up having to deal with things myself.” In response, his wife may say, “Well, he is so controlling! I never feel like I have time to relax. We are always on a schedule!” 

I then ask the couple what initially drew them together. Inevitably, this same husband will say something like, “She was so easy going. Nothing bothered her! When I was freaking out, she was so calming.” And his wife may say, “He was so strong and decisive. He knows what he wants, and that is so attractive to me. I felt really cared for and protected.”

So what happened? How did the very thing they loved about each other become a source of frustration? 

As we go through life, we come to a more complete sense of ourselves. I think that one of the early steps in this process is becoming acutely aware of our weaknesses. We see our flaws, and instead of coming to terms with them, they can consume us. I wonder if this may lead us to find a partner whose strengths are our weaknesses. If someone finds it difficult to relax and let go, she will be drawn to a partner who is easy going and calm. This will be especially true earlier in life, when she is still developing a sense of the true self and coming to terms with her strengths and weaknesses. 

Stated another way, we often love from a place of need or incompleteness instead of loving out of abundance. We are trying to find someone to complete us - to fill in the gaps in our character. I wonder if we would be better off first coming to a more complete sense of self and then finding a compatible partner. 

I think we want to be like Jerry MacGuire and tell our partners, “You complete me.” But that might not be the best approach to finding a partner. Should someone else “complete” us in the sense that they fill in for the weaknesses in our own sense of self? I wonder if we’re better off coming to a more complete sense of ourselves and finding someone compatible instead of looking for someone who will fill in those gaps.