Mirroring

In a perfect world, parents act as mirrors for their children. It’s an important part of self development! When a parent mirrors a child, the child sees herself reflected in the parent and begins to better understand who she is in the world. 

But what does mirroring look like? In early stages of development, it’s fairly straightforward. A good parent mirrors his child’s expressions, coos, laughter; looking to where she points, asking questions like “What do you see,” and so on. It’s an instinctual thing we all do with babies.

Mirroring looks a little different as the child develops. Parents may begin to mirror a child’s hopes and dreams, letting them work through thoughts and develop beliefs, helping them get a sense of who they are in the world. A teenage daughter may dream of being an engineer, and a good mirroring parent will encourage this dream, cultivate it, and ask good questions to help the child consider what this dream means. Ultimately, it’s less important if this particular dream is achievable or if the child even sticks with it. What’s important in that moment is that a good parent allows his child to develop a stronger sense of herself and how she can achieve what she wants. 

However, sometimes parental mirroring breaks down. This is especially true for parents who never received good mirroring in their own childhood. These parents may begin to look to their own children as mirrors of themselves. In other words, if a mother never got the chance to develop her sense of self in the mirror of her own mother, she may begin to look for ways her child mirrors her - as a way to gain a sense of self from her child. The proper order of things gets flipped upside down.

A breakdown in mirroring often goes unnoticed, especially when the child learns to mirror the parent as the parent searches for a sense of self. However, if the child does not mirror the parent well, the child is seen as the problem, and the parents may encourage the child to conform or cut the child off from the family system. As you can see, this is problematic! The child is not given the chance to develop a sense of herself because she becomes preoccupied with mirroring her parent - or she becomes disenfranchised by the family cut off. 

The good news is that it is never too late to correct a lack of childhood mirroring. Parents can learn to mirror their children as they look to other sources (like psychotherapy) to develop a better sense of themselves. Adults can learn to mourn the loss of the mirroring they so needed in childhood and begin to develop their own sense of self. It’s never too late!